but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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