I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
my liver is dry heaving
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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