Just fell off a train. Bad.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
