Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
