bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
