One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
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It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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