my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
