Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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