note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
