Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
