Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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