and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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