last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
