dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
