i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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