i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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