I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
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Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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