why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
