Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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