I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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