so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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