nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
