woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
