he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
