hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
