My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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