Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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