I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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