Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
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I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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