I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you didnt know i had herpes?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
