No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
