Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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