just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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