Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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