Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We need to get me chipped asap
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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