That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just want to make out with him forever
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
