just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
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Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
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He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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