The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
