Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
