yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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