My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
