ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
