Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
