All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
