and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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