...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
