If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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