just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
