I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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