I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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