You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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