It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
