It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
