she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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