Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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