My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
