I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
