she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
