Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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