she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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