why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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